For Science
by maxdepax
Summary: A modern-day sci-fi nerd and her trip into the fantasyscape of Middle Earth, written by a gremlin who knows nothing about Lord of the Rings.
1. prologue

**I don't know _a single thing_ about LotR. So, then, why? Why am I writing this in the first place?**

 **The answer is simple.**

 **I saw the Legolas-with-a-gun meme, and I fell in love with him. Boom. Fanfic.**

 **Now, let's have fun as I butcher Mr. Tolkien's labor of love.**

* * *

In hindsight, I had been running on twelve hours of sleep and four cups of coffee, and it was really no wonder that I crashed so hard. And between studying for a physics exam and attempting to ward off my stubborn ex, it made a strange sort of sense that I would literally fall out of this universe and into another to escape it all.

Let's back up a little bit, though. Back to February 9th, 11:26 p.m. I was slumped over my desk, cold mug in hand as I stared with glazed eyes at my laptop screen.

" _The entropy theory, according to the second law of thermodynamics, in itself is a prime example of…"_

A prime example of what? I had no idea. I'd figure it out; I had to. For inspiration, I glanced over at the tiny model of the Enterprise-D I had hanging out on my nightstand, something that usually gave me a boost by itself. But my eyes lit on my phone and the messages coming at me rapidly, and not even thinking of Geordi La Forge was enough to pull me out of the massive slump it sent me into.

I know, I know. I should have deleted his number. Should have blocked him, should have made it clear that he wasn't welcome anymore. I know. I do. But…

 **Baby, please. I know what I said. I know it's been weeks. But I love you.**

 **\- Jake**

 **I'm all alone tonight. Can't stop thinking about you.**

 **\- Jake**

 **You're so beautiful, you know that? You always were. No other girl can change that. I love you, I love you, I love you. I want to kiss you right now. I want to show you how I feel about you.**

 **\- Jake**

 **Babygirl, come on. Even you can't stay mad forever. You know you still want me. You need me. I love you.**

 **\- Jake**

They were all so trite, and borderline creepy. How I lasted eight months with Jacob Sanner, I'll never know. I almost rolled my eyes.

Then I saw the most recent one. Recent as in "ten minutes ago" recent. My heart dropped straight to my toes.

 **That's it. I can't take this anymore, I'm coming over. I'll change your mind, beautiful girl. Hope you still keep the key under the mat.**

 **\- Jake**

Have you ever had a bucket of ice-cold water dumped on you out of nowhere?

I haven't. But I imagined that this was very similar to how it felt. Jake was coming over, right now. I wasn't even dressed for visitors. I wasn't emotionally ready. I didn't even want to see him!

I will freely admit it: I panicked. I stood blindly, toed on my sneakers and grabbed my backpack because right then my first thought was get out of here. He can't bother you if you're not home, right? Go hang out at the library, or some cafe or something.

It sounded viable. I began throwing essentials in my backpack - notebooks, pens, jacket, wallet, phone, headphones, textbooks. Pepper spray. A switchblade. The latter two were absolutely not part of my study routine, but necessary all the same.

Five minutes later, I stole out the back door and slipped into the alleyway - and just in time, too. I could hear Jake's pickup as it slowly pulled up to my front driveway. If I listened intently, I could even pick up the occasional kick from the trashy trap music he liked to listen to.

I ran.

I will be the first to admit that I absolutely did not handle any of this properly. I should have stayed to tell Jake off, properly and in person. I should have ended it without a doubt weeks ago.

I shouldn't have run blindly into the street with reckless abandon.

I should have looked both ways before crossing, and then I wouldn't have been hit by that car.

But I didn't. And I was.

And I woke up in the study of a man named Elrond, and there was no going back.


	2. gone to plaid

**Behold, as I completely destroy Lord Elrond's character through my sheer inanity. (I think I'm having fun!)**

* * *

Let me tell you something I realized about my own personal nature. I swear, I'm not trying to be dramatic; I'm actually almost thrilled to have learned this about myself.

So. A recap. I had just had a near-death experience – thanks _so_ much, middle-aged woman driving the battered Nissan – and then… what? I'd teleported. That was the only way to describe it. I'd gone from the crisp evening streets of the city to an entirely new, ornate and frankly breathtaking mystery place.

And there was a man, taller than anything I'd ever seen and possessing eyes that held lifetimes' worth of knowledge and sorrow and understanding, and he was leaning over me.

Which brings me to the _personal realization_ part.

Evidently, when faced with a terrifying dose of the unknown, my first impulse is to shoot up, stumble over my own feet, and face whatever variable before me with the most bizarre amalgam of greeting, challenge, and plea for mercy that I have ever heard in my entire life.

 _"_ _Hello?!_ Oh, god, hi, _stay back, please!_ I am so sorry, I didn't mean to just crash into your house like that, _please_ don't shoot me or hang me or leave me to die in a cellar, sir, I _swear_ , or I'll punch you in the face. _Thanks."_

First of all, _why._ Where did I pick up that response? What good would it do if I actually ran into an axe-murderer?

Second, the tall man with the braided hair seemed completely unfazed by the word missile I'd just fired at him point-blank. Oof – double-disappointment. He didn't even blink.

"Sorry," I whispered. "You startled me."

 _There_ we go. My new friend smiled at me, the expression warmer than I expected – I almost grinned back on impulse.

"One would imagine that manifesting in an entirely new place would do more than startle you," he commented, one eyebrow making the slightest twitch upwards. "But worry not. I am not one to take offense so quickly."

His gaze cooled marginally into something almost scarily interrogative, and he continued as lightly as if we were old pals discussing the weather. Frankly, it scared the living daylights out of me.

"You understand, however, that I am very curious as to who you are and, indeed, how you are even here in my study. These are dangerous times we live in, and I would encourage you to be honest with me."

"I… wow," I said, letting my mouth run away while my brain shrieked in the background. "You're one intimidating man. Uh… should I start with my name or my social or what happened right before I poofed into your actual private property?"

"Start however you see fit," he replied simply, and settled right there next to me on the ground, looking for all the world like a king, and not like a freakishly tall dude plopped on the floor next to some oddball Trekkie who didn't have a single clue.

What can I say? I wouldn't last a day as a spy. Right there, without stopping to think about how nuts it even sounded, I spilled every last bean I had in my possession. The physics assignment, the Jake, the car accident, the strange in-between floating session that happened like a thunderclap between my head meeting the concrete and opening my eyes to a stranger in his study.

Now, okay. Here's a little secret. I had already pulled a Sherlock Holmes and analyzed everything about my settings to the best of my ability. The décor, the mannerisms and clothing the tall man wore, the strange book he had been holding since I came to. The best conclusion I came to was that I'd time travelled or _something_ , though I couldn't say what time period I'd landed in.

But oh, boy, was that way off the mark. Because as soon as I thought to ask _– where is this, by the way?_ – I'd prepared myself for something like London or Boston or Yugoslavia or _anything_ besides the answer I was given. Rivendell. Not even Rivendell, USA, or Rivendell, Earth. Rivendell, somewhere so far removed from Earth that it was legitimately _Middle_ Earth. I'd straight up gone to plaid, went full hyperspace and ended up somewhere across the entire _freaking dimensional plane!_

Oh, man. I could feel the beginnings of nausea prickling at the base of my stomach. Not great. So I did the only thing I knew how to do and just… kept talking, even though I could feel the ground dropping from beneath me.

I have to hand it to Mr. Rivendell, though. He listened intently and politely, even when by the end of it I was well and truly in hysterics. Not my best moment, I'll admit. But reasonable, I think, when the moment in question happens after you realize that you're not in Kansas anymore, or even in North America.

"… oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, I don't understand. I'm confused, I'm so _confused_ and I don't even know how I got here and I don't even know where in the universe here _is,_ and I'm sure I could come up with some theory or another but I don't have a notebook on me and my hands are too shaky to open my backpack and – oh, jeez. _Jeepers,_ I'm so sorry. I have absolutely no valuable information for you," I wheezed weakly, looking up into his eyes. "I wouldn't even believe me, hearing half the things I said."

My regal beanpole friend inclined his head ever so slightly and let out a pensive hum.

"I think," he said finally, "that if you were setting out to deceive me, you would tell me a story that made rather more sense than that. Therefore, I will take your word as the truth, and I will seek what information I can that will aid you in your journey home."

Ooh. If I hadn't been too addled to cry, I'd be sobbing all over his nice fancy tunic right then and there. As it was, I gave him a watery smile.

"Thank you. _Thanks so much._ Gosh, without you I'd probably be wandering around in some cornfield looking like a lunatic. I could hug you, I really could, but I don't even know your _name_ and that would be _really_ weird…"

"I am called Elrond," said Elrond, finally gracing his face with a name. "And I could say the same to you, given that you have given me every name in your family except your own."

" _Oh._ " I flushed. That was a vital tidbit I'd forgotten to mention when I was blubbering about the goats my parents owned that were named after the Sith Lords.

"I'm Julia," I introduced belatedly. "Julia Judith Schaber. My friends call me Jude or JJ, but, I mean…"

I can't begin to tell you how I was going to finish that sentence, because it was right at that point – _ha-ha_ – where something caught my eye: that something being the honest-to-goodness Vulcan ears Elrond was sporting.

How do you even bring attention to something like this?

"Uh, Mr. Elrond, sir? Are you aware that your ears are… like that?" Oh, nailed it.

"Pointed?" Was that amusement? Oh, man, it was. "I should hope they are. I am, predominately, an elf."

Well, today was just my day for getting the socks knocked off of me. I almost slammed my head back against the floor right then and there. New discoveries? I _loved_ them. But not when they were coming at me like swift uppercuts from a professional boxer with a vendetta, each from a different angle and with the intent to kill. I was seriously coming close to a mental breakdown.

Jeez.

I hoped Jake was getting arrested for disturbing the peace.


End file.
